(Note: I wrote this for Apatoons back in 1996; if you don't know what that is, see www.apatoons.com)
Instant Disney Cartoons
(With apologies to Spy magazine.)
It is widely believed that to be a successful screenwriter of a Disney animated feature, one needs to be a natural-born storyteller, in touch with the child within all of us, or a distant relative of the younger Roy Disney. Not so. After some spectacular investigative work (I fished around inside the dumpster outside David R. Smith's office at the Disney archives), I've found the following, document, from which the plots of the last six or seven Disney features were sprung.
You, too, can use it to come up with completely new Disney animated feature plots; simply read along and select from the options as you go. It's easy and fun!
Our tale takes place...
A under the sea
B in seventeenth-century Virginia
C in eighteenth-century France
D in nineteenth-century France
E in an imaginary Arab country in an indeterminate century
F in a jungle full of talking animals
...where our protagonist, a singing...
B aristocratic lion cub,
D street rat,
E book-loving young lady,
F Native American,
...longs to see the great big world that's out there, but is prevented from doing so by his/her...
B pet monkey
After singing about this frustrating situation, our protagonist's life changes when he/she...
meets up with
A a ghastly-looking beast,
B a British invader,
C a buxom gypsy girl,
D a buxom princess,
E a handsome prince,
F an aristocratic female lion cub.
...who is destined to become his/her main squeeze, and who is voiced by
A Demi Moore.
B Mel Gibson.
C Robby Benson.
D A talented-but-obscure voice artist.
They sing a love song that's destined for the charts, and all seems happy until our villain,
A an aristocratic lion,
B a different British invader,
C a guy who works in the palace,
D a government official,
E a muscular guy from town,
F a woman with octopus tentacles,
...who speaks with...
A a British accent,
B the voice of Pat Carroll,
...hatches an evil plan, aided and abetted by...
A a toadying hench-parrot.
B some toadying hench-sharks.
C some toadying hench-hyenas.
D a toadying hench-bulldog.
E a toadying little henchman who looks like Gabby from Fleischer's Gulliver's Travels.
The evil plan involves... (choose any two)
A killing our protagonist.
B stealing away our protagonist's main squeeze.
C seizing power in the kingdom.
D setting fire to the city of Paris.
E destroying American's natural beauty.
F turning our protagonist into a mute, human girl.
G framing our protagonist for one or more crimes.
The two villains sing a song about the joy of being evIl. Things take a turn for the worse when it appears our protagonist is...
C doomed to live in an America without natural beauty.
D likely to forever remain a mute, human girl.
Our heroes' spirits are bolstered by an optimistic song sung by their buddy, a cheerful, comical...
C exotic African Meerkat,
D trio of gargoyles
E grandmotherly tree
... voiced by...
B the movies'
A Robin Williams.
B David Ogden Stiers.
C Linda Hunt.
B Jason Alexander.
E Nathan Lane.
Eventually, things work out okay when the villain falls from a great height to an apparent grisly death. After the credits, with a reprise of the love song performed by
A two performers whose last hits were in the early
B two performers whose last hits were in the mid
our protagonist and main squeeze go on to a' happy life as... (choose any two)
A man and wife
B stars of a cheesy Saturday-morning cartoon series
C rulers of the kingdom
D cheesy Happy Meal action figures.
As for the film, it goes on to be...
A a box-office smash,
B a modest box-office disappointment,
...and is the subject of a minor controversy due to...
A the off-color images cleverly hidden it its video-box
B being blatantly ripped off from a famous Japanese
C making its protagonist much older and more
buxom than historical fad indicates.
D turning a classic work into cutesy pabulum.